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Jokes Section 2

lauren

lauren

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Noticed that the jokes thread is massive so after discussions with Loz this is the new jokes thread. It will become a sticky and the old one with lose it's sticky status (sounds painful). If you are desperate to keep the old one, download it to notepad.

Let the jokes begin!

 
A woman asked a guy to marry her. The man said no.

So she lived happily ever after with a clean house, no dirty laundry on the floor, the toilet seat always left down, drank martinis with her friends, had a closet full of shoes and handbags and never got farted on in bed.

 
Two girls in newquay,cornwall are walking home from clubbing when they stop to go to the toilet in a cemetery. The first girl says to her friend "blimey! There's a bloke buried here who was 282 years old when he died!" her friend asks "what was his name..?" and she replies "miles from London!!"...

And some other stuff:

A point to ponder: Why is it that day always breaks but never falls, and night always falls but never breaks?

Q: What did one cloud say to the other?

A: I'm cirrus about you.

 
Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

You can drop them off anywhere.

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The guy who invented the vibrator had a vision, and in that vision he heard voices:

''If you build it they will come.''

 
a man walks into a bar....

...he's developed a serious addiction to alcohol and it's tearing his family apart.

 
Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

 
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a tailor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would squish your testicles against your spine and you'd get a headache".

 
The "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have

seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them

with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money

to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop

and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other

shopper and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and

"whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch

the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been

thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other

shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!

 
What have Olivia Newton-John and Stevie Gerrard got in commom.

Both got well f**ked in Greece.
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A woman asked a guy to marry her. The man said no.So she lived happily ever after with a clean house, no dirty laundry on the floor, the toilet seat always left down, drank martinis with her friends, had a closet full of shoes and handbags and never got farted on in bed.
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"Zo, tell me abut yor childhood. Lauren?"
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A woman asked a guy to marry her. The man said no.So she lived happily ever after with a clean house, no dirty laundry on the floor, the toilet seat always left down, drank martinis with her friends, had a closet full of shoes and handbags and never got farted on in bed.
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freud_couch_500.jpg


"Zo, tell me abut yor childhood. Lauren?"
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I am more interested in yours Brian - I don't profess to be a gay pirate!

 
I am more interested in yours Brian - I don't profess to be a gay pirate!
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"Ah, I ze. Und is dis somzing you regret from your youth? Never having had ze chance to experiment on ze high seas? - Because you know, it'z never to late to try on a pair of leather pants!"

PS:

Had a crash this morning.

Went into the back of another car.

The bloke got out & he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy!"

I said, "Which one are you then?"

 
Had a crash this morning. Went into the back of another car.

The bloke got out & he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy!"

I said, "Which one are you then?"
Click to expand...
For some bizarre reason that has given me the giggles.. I am turning into a girl
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Two blonde girls were working for the city public works

department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and

fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the

other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,

one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't

understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm

impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it --

why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it

probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

 
A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his

deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices

the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

: Driving behind the couple is a woman and her 9-year-old daughter. The

little girl is just chatting away at her mother when all of a sudden

the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then

flies off.

: Surprised, the daughter asks her mother, "Mom, what the heck was that?"

: Not wanting to expose her little girl to anything sexual at such a

young age, the mother replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

: The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few

minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

 
*Subject: Why women shouldn't lie*

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled

up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the

dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house,

so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to

chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be

empty in their absence, explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going

upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband

gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long"

he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her

with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a

blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass

downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She had better not sh*t in

the vegetable garden again!"

 
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

Then they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you." He said, "f**k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 
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