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Jokes Section 2

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk

* a carton of eggs

* 2 litres of orange juice

* a head of lettuce

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk

standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the

cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her

six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her

selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're

absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

 
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, I just couldn't put it down.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I went to a Private Detective with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. I said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said I was closest.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a trio of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three

counts.

I was buying a train ticket and the clerk said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays

or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

 
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Jokes worthy of Tommy Cooper
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I was winding some muppets up on another forum and the subject of country and western "music" came up. A quick google and I found this list of GENUINE C&W songs. Learn and quote in drunken moments - Oh What fun!

Dog Poop On The Pillow Where Your Sweet Head Used To Be

I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even

She's Looking Better After Every Beer

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I Ain't Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Shore Woke Up With A Few

I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

Please Bypass This Heart

You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

If I'd Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of The Pen By Now

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Wanna Whip Your Cow

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

 
Dave is touring the US on holiday when he stops in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada.

He's drinking away when he spots an old Indian sitting in the corner, fully kitted with tribal gear.

"Who's he?" Dave asks the bartender.

"That's the memory man, he knows everything. he can remember any fact. go and ask him anything"

So Dave wanders over, and asks the first thing that comes to his head:

"Who won the 1965 FA Cup?"

"Liverpool" replies the Indian immediately.

Dave is amazed. "Who did they beat?"

"Leeds" comes the reply, again almost instantly.

"And the score?"

"2-1" without hesitation.

Thinking that details may fox him, Dave tries something more specific.

"Who scored the winning goal?"

Without blinking, the indian smiles and says "Ian St John."

Dave is astonished, and when he returns home, he tells everyone about this tale. but its not enough, and he's determined to go visit him again in the future.

10 years later, he's saved up enough money to go out to the US again. After weeks of searching all around Nevada, Dave finally finds the Indian in a cave up in the mountains.

Nervously, Dave steps forward towards the man, bows and greets the brave in the traditional native tongue: "how"

The old Indian squints back at him:

"Diving header in the six-yard box"

 
This picture was taken in Dublin the other day (allegedly - I am mucho suspicous).

Look at the picture closely, they have done a wonderful job on the bollards, they are in the process of cleaning up after a job well done, but, they may have forgotten about something ..... can you guess ??

bollards.jpg


 
Be a nice few silver trims added for the journey home!

 
I rang our local Chinese Restaurant last night and said ' Do you do takeaways?'

He said 'Yeah'

I said, 'Well , whats 10 minus 4?'

 
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten incredibly drunk while drinking shots with friends.

Walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so took off her panties and uses them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to wipe with them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

 
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. He happens to look down

the

bar and sees a man with a head the size of a cue ball sitting

there, so

he walks down and says to the man, "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean

to be

rude but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth

defect?"

The man says, "No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed

by

the Germans in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship, so I

swam

to shore."

"Then one day, a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant

me

three wishes. For my first wish, I wanted to return to the U.S.

The

mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the

money

I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex

with the

mermaid."

"What she'd say?" the curious stranger asked.

"She said, 'I can't grant that wish, because mermaids can't have

sex.'

"So," continued the old man with a dejected look on his face, "I

said,

'How

about a little head?' "

 
DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:!

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

 
Debt-ridden Leeds put up for sale

Ken Bates has already warned that the club's future is in jeopardy

The future of Leeds United is again in doubt after the club was put up for sale by its administrator.

KPMG said that it had made the decision because of a challenge by HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) over the ?7.7m it is owed by the Yorkshire club.

Former chairman Ken Bates had proposed to take Leeds out of administration, repaying creditors eight pence in every pound that it owed.

A deadline for offers has been set of 1700 BST on Monday.

"We are interested in talking to other parties," confirmed a KPMG spokesman.

The administrator had earlier warned that there was now a danger the club would be unable to start the new season.

Unpaid taxes

Leeds United has debts of ?35m, including the money owed to HMRC in unpaid taxes.

Those who have previously declared an interest in buying the club include Duncan Revie, son of former Leeds manager Don, and property entrepreneur Simon Morris.

Earlier this week, businessman Simon Franks said he was ready to buy Leeds United, through his Redbus investment vehicle.

HMRC has been challenging Mr Bates's plans to exit administration at a High Court hearing in Leeds.

KPMG said that unless the club was able to leave administration, the Football League may not let it start the season.

League officials are due to meet next week to discuss the situation.

The court case has been adjourned until 3 September, while Leeds are due to play their first game of next season away to Tranmere on Saturday, 11 August.

Former Leeds chairman Gerald Krasner expects the ownership question to be sorted out before the start of the season.

However, a spokesman said that as the club was in administration he could not comment on KPMG's decision.

And Mr Bates has already warned that the cost of defending the HMRC's court action could cost the club its future.

 
SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the

man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

 
When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later, she became his stepmother.

 
Shirley and Alan, in their 60s, get into bed one night, turn out the lights and he starts touching her right thigh, she is v surprised because there has been no sex for years. So she makes small moaning noises while his hands go up and down her thigh, round to her bottom, between her legs, onto the other thigh.

After a few moments he stops.

She says Alan why have you stopped?

He says, I found the remote.

 
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